I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
