i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
