Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
