Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
