Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize