Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
