Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
