everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
