The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
