Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
