the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
