i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
