Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
