next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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