Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
