Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
