My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
