I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
