I am midnight drunk by noon
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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