i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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