He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
