I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize