roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
