Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
it's like iHOP with fire
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
