I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
