there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
