sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
