Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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