hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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