yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
