Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
