I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
