Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
