Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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