I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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