dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
