I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
