I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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