Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
