well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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