I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
