He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
