Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
