i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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