every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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