I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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