just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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