i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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