dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
