God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
