I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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