I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
