i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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