fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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