So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
