How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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