I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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