I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
