I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
