Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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