The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
